Self- Esteem- How much does it really count? Ask Alison- She’ll Tell You!

Female Empowerment- The Secrets to having it all

Female Empowerment- The Secrets to having it all

Since I live in the Bay Area, I have the fortune of working with many successful and talented women. Although their careers are taking off and they are earning more than reasonable pay (although there still seems to be a rather large gap between what women and men make- but that is a different story), somewhere in all of their well deserved success lies an undercoat of crushed self esteem when it comes to their dating lives. Even if they are couples, married or in steady commitments,  there still seems to be a major lack of confidence budding in the growth department we called love. So, one might ask, “what gives?” and my answer to this is that the reason there are issues both surrounding relationships as well as in the intrinsic nature of the relationship itself, the biggest challenge I see is that each person has simply not “done the work”. It’s really easy to blame the other for not *being* the right one, or for not having sex, or even for not living up to the standards you once made for yourself; but the biggest challenge I see is that most people have big black blind spots.

So what to do? Well, improving on your self esteem unfortunately is not a tasty treat so some choose to go elsewhere for their fix. I, on the other hand, would have never been to the places inside myself had I not gone down under. So, choose a therapist and stick with what it is that you 1) really want, 2) really deserve and most of all 3) what in life would bring you more pleasure and closer to the person you actually really are.

Stay tuned for more on the  next blog.

Ask Alison -She’ll Tell You!

What to do if your Husband Cheats? Marital Advice from Ask Alison

What to do if your Husband Cheats? Marital Advice from Ask Alison

Here is some advice in text form that I recently gave to a woman who has been cheated on and feels disempowered. Of course, names are taken out for privacy reasons as well as some text has been edited however I believe that everyone reading this can get at least something of value from this advice. Or, if you know anyone going through this, man or woman, please pass along. Ask Alison- She’ll Tell You!

Situation: Husband has breached their marital agreement and has admitted his mistakes.

Therapist: How are you holding up?
Client: “Sometimes i feel great and other times I spend time thinking about what happened. I feel disempowered and that perhaps maybe I could have done sometime to avoid this. I keep blaming myself and then on other days I am angry and mad and keep on thinking about the betrayal and how in the H-ll he could have done something like that to me our children”.

Therapist:: Yeah, I totally understand. One thing you can try and remember is although it seems really personal (“he did this *to* you”) try and look at it from this perspective: it’s not about what he did *to* you. He did it *for* him. When people act out like this (especially spouses/partners) they don’t think, “how am i going to make my partners life miserable”, they usually have addictive behavior and/or they are really just thinking about how they can be immediately satisfied. It’s hard to believe but 99% of the time, the person is caught in an overload of emotion and has not grounded to what is the reality of the situation at hand.
This is no excuse, of course. Rather just an explanation so you can see that blaming yourself isn’t the answer and further complicates matters. Try as hard as you can, to view this from a different lens. If even for just a moment. You don’t have to stay there. I just want you to have another perspective because often times what we see is only subjective and brutally hard to understand. Often when we see it through the lens of objectivity we can separate the “he did this to me” from “he did this for him”.
I have yet to meet someone like this who didn’t have addictions in other parts of their lives. They sometimes do it to fill a void *in themselves*. Or, if not addicted, there are a host of other explanations, ones you need not spend too much time figuring out. Mainly because I can bet he doesn’t even know why. It takes time to tease this process apart and get some clear answers.
Honestly, the last thing they are thinking about when they *do* it, is how it would hurt you. In fact, that is usually why they are so apologetic. They literally snap out of the delusion (or whatever altered state they are in (denial for example) and then face their spouses and can’t believe what they’ve done.

I’m not saying this excuses anyone’s behavior and I’m not saying you need to do anything different, but what I am saying is that you need to know you are  married to a *person* who has this behavior. It’s not the behavior that makes the person. Does that make sense? Now, one would probably think, “then are you saying i should forgive his behavior because i love the person he is” and my answer is not necessarily.
It’s up to you and him (and a third person professional if possible) to dig and get to the bottom of why he acted the way he did. Some people eat chocolate (my favorite one), some people get drunk, some people shut down and others do things we would never do ourselves. But, these are defenses, not just acts of injustice. Some are intensional but often the case it is not because they stopped loving YOU, but because they stopped loving THEMSELVES. (more about this topic later)
I guess what i’m saying is that you are not a victim of someone “doing something to you”. Rather, you are *choosing* to stay with a man who has faults and behaviors that make you want to dig a deep hole and bury yourself. (sorry, a bit dramatic i know, but you get the flavor). So, really it’s all about *you*. Ask yourself, 1) is this the kind of marriage I want to be in? 2) is this a person I want to spend my life with now that i know this and 3) do i have enough confidence to make this my choice and not fall into the side of the victim?
Begin by asking yourself these questions. Write them down if it helps. Then, answer them. You will understand a lot more. It can’t save the day, but it CAN help to save YOU!
My best wishes for recovery and empowerment!
Remember, the choices we make to stay or to go are BOTH OUR choices.
Alison – Ask me, I’ll tell you.

Men & Their Cocks : How to get over performance anxiety (Ask Alison -She’ll Tell You)

Many men with whom I work come into see me about performance anxiety in bed. First thing first, just because you may have this issue, doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Additionally, don’t believe that your cock has anything to do with this. Of course, it does to a certain extent, but not in the way you may think.

ADVICE: The first thing I tell men is this, “You will be fine and we will figure this out together.” This statement is not only true, but allows the guy a partner in crime. He’s out there on his own, nobody to talk to about this. Surely, his friends aren’t going to be the first ones he goes to. So, it’s time to partner up with someone who really gets you. So, no matter if you see me, or someone else, do get other opinions. Mine is not the only one, but it is the right one. I do know that.

CHAMPIONS: Second, men who want to get help and get it are the real champions. Men who sulk and don’t talk about it will not be the ones ending up with the women. It is the strong that go to therapy, coaching. Don’t make the mistake of saying it won’t help. I have over 17,000 people who say it does

So, here is the down low, and I don’t mean that kind. Listen up.

Expert Advice:

1)        You are not your penis. Contrary to popular belief, you just aren’t. He isn’t you and you aren’t him. So, let’s start with the fact that you are a human being and you have a one. Cool? Deal? Great. It’s a holistic look and it matters.

2) Human beings have and hold emotions. There is nothing wrong with you just because you feel fucked up. That is a psychological thing. Attention: if you do in fact think you have a physical problem, i ask you to go see a Doctor and then come back and see me. Okay read on.

3) I may sound like a sappy west coast therapist, but i need to tell you and this and give you permission to EMOTE. Look it up if you don’t understand.

4) Next, coaching won’t work for the disapproving. Those men whom don’t have the time or don’t want to try to figure this out, I can’t help you. If you are not interested in getting harder, doing it for longer, or being superiorly capable in bed, don’t waste my time. I’ll allow you to view my text, but if you don’t have the balls to come to grips with yourself that you really just might need a little help, then God help you. And I will too…don’t give up!

5) You need to know first off that psychology and performance are inextricably related. I’m not saying you need to know everything about how you feel, but knowing a little bit at a time is the secret to success.

Scenario

You have a new girlfriend, or want one, or are scamming at a bar. Whatever. You’re there. Okay, you’ve finally tied the knot in one way or another and this person and you are now “good” together. Only thing is that ever since you’ve been sexual, you can’t remember a time when you had any kind or even sort of “problem” in bed. Then one day, it happens. You get limp, you go soft, you just go. What are you going to do about it?

The thought that you can’t or might not be able to get it up is such a scary notion, that you would do just about anything to make that image go away. In fact, when your girlfriend mentioned that she sees a therapist specializing in sexuality, you never thought you would, but the next day you were on that couch wishing to god it would all be over soon.

So, you talk with the specialist, and she happens not only to be attractive, but she actually knows what she is talking about. In fact, upon your departure, you actually feel a sense of confidence, that just maybe, you might get the answer you are seeking. Okay, good job! Now,next step.

Second session: you’ve made it past the embarrassment and shame you incurred last week and now your in your second session. Things are looking up.

You’re finally able to discuss that you lose your erection. Good for you! Seriously, talking about it, naming it out loud is the first step to success!

Just between you and me, men don’t ever come to me and say, “I can’t get it up or I lose it”, I have to finagle it out of them. I might say something like, “here is an example, I worked with a man who was a stud, stallion, hottie, whatever and he came to me because he had no idea what was wrong with him. He thought, did I all of a sudden turn gay? Am I not attracted to my mate anymore? Is there something wrong with my body? Have I contracted a terrible disease? Is it genetic?

The amount of freakishly crazy ideas that hit a man in his head all at the same time can be very stressful and overwhelming. Since that is the case, I’ll give you some real life examples of how to overcome performance anxiety. It begins with you understanding these 5 concepts.

1. You’re not alone. Tons of guys, even though they will never admit it to you, have this issue. Self defeat is their enemy!

2.         It is the really confident ones that get coaching. I say that because they know somewhere inside themselves, something will be corrected and they will get the help they need. So consider yourself A Cool Guy! Congrats. Seriously. I honor you!

3.         It’s not your fault. That is my favorite one. Most men think it’s their fault that their mate is not getting off. Wait until you hear why.

4.         Mens jaws drop when they hear this from me, “women are responsible for their own orgasms!”. Seriously, I will get into this later and explain why. It should take the edge off.

5.         When you “feel” good about yourself, confident, your penis feels the same. Your Cock, your Jimmie, your Johnny, your whatever goes right along with it! Yes, there is a simple equation. You feel hard and solid about yourself, so does he! Win win.

So, now you know a bit about this subject, but how do YOU get the help you need? First off, you can follow along with me, daily and/or sometimes weekly and I can provide for you content that is informed, solid, transparent and honest. This is also not a plead for any kind of “follow status” as I’m past that grade and don’t seriously care about how many people like me. I know what I know. I have strong opinions and I’m always right. Sorry guys, it’s true. So, to finish you off, keep reading and keep believing in yourself and you will love what you find out.

Love and Passion,

Alison (Ask Alison)

Therapeutic Benefits of Online Dating : Top Ten

After engaging and researching several online dating sites, I’ve come to some conclusions/insights about how this method can be not only helpful in finding yourself a date, (amongst other things)  but also can be quite THERAPEUTIC in ways we might not realize. Therefore, I feel compelled to share some insight with you so that the next time you are on line and perhaps are disappointed you haven’t found the love of your life, you can at least remember that it is still helping you and that you might also be possibly gaining some serious therapeutic benefits by engaging in online dating behavior.

“Just for the record” my discoveries are based on professional and personal interviews I have done with clients and friends.  These are my research findings and beliefs but should not be seen as my giving therapy nor are measured scientifically nor are data driven.

Top Ten Reasons Online Dating is therapeutic.

1. Challenges your comfort zone and makes you GROW!

2. Focuses your MIND on getting what you want

3. HELPS TO DEFINE your “bottom line”, and helps you to make boundaries

4. Makes you engage: this is good for people whom are shy and allows you to be open and expressive

5. Highlights your positive attributes. (good for the ego, and for the soul)

6. Highlights your negative attributes and makes you contemplate changes.

7. Creates honesty and checks your integrity

Romancing the Stone: a new paradigm shift

I used to love that movie, “Romancing the Stone”, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088011/mainly not for the dialog, but because it shows how our ideas of relationships back in the 80’s was primary still  based on traditional roles. Woman is in distress, man saves woman…and they sail around the world. But, does that really happen? Hmmm, not so much. On the contrary, what i have have been seeing in my practice is just the opposite. Many couples are switching roles, man stays home, woman goes to work and I’m seeing people work that out to their advantage. My basic point is that people *are* changing. Roles *are* changing and from all of the media that still relies upon old antics to define current culture, I wanted to be one who is actually witnessing the change. I am encouraged about this because I am fortunate to work with clientele who are for the most part, evolving. For the rest of the nation, I’m not so sure but would be happy to take a poll.  However, here in the Bay area, women are seizing the day and men are happy to help. If all of that is good then what about this scenario still seems antiquated?  Although both women and men are finding more peace in the current climate of marriage and family at home and at work is it true that roles are still the same in the bedroom? That is a good question and will be answered in my next post. Think about it: what do you think happens? Feel free to write in and post your comments.

Sex Goddess Workshops

THE POWER OF SEX

They are opening up everywhere. Why? There is a great demand for women to reclaim their power and thrive. My gut feeling is that I completely believe in this theory of having women become more empowered. However i would beg the question as to whatever happened to us that we weren’t? General public uses “reclaim” their power, but my instinct and the way I work is that the woman *already* has power, she just needs to express it. I don’t believe women are needing to feel empowered because they don’t have it in them and somehow have to go and get it, but rather they *already* have it and now just need a place to express it. Due to this, I am forming a Sex Goddess Workshop where women will be supported and encouraged to express themselves safely, effectively, and with some G-d damn booty bumping! I’m serious. What is the purpose of female empowerment/sexual expression if you can’t stick your booty out and say, “HELLS YEAH!”. Okay, so you get the picture. In the meantime, contact me for more details or click on my webpage. You’ll be happy you did it! Go get your girl on now! -Your admirer , alison

http://www.yelp.com/biz/alison-leigh-siegel-mft-san-francisco-2